Message for the Men

Guys, need to look good too, right? I know that there are some men out there who could really care less...like my husband. He is the epitome of a "manly man" being mostly concerned about "manly" things like cars and sports and making sure I never ever cut my hair. So, when we go out, I tend to direct him towards what is flattering. While he cares about how he looks in the end, it's just not high on his list of priorities. But there are some things that a man just should not do. In an effort to assist men who are like my husband as well as those who are out there REALLY trying fashion...let's lay down some rules from a woman's perspective.

No Shirt, No Service-Are you running from the cops? Or perhaps you are high on PCP? Or, maybe it's both??? No, none of the above! WOW!! Well, put a shirt on!!! OMG! Women do...in fact MOST women put on a shirt and a bra (although all of us should). Go ahead, this isn't the beach or the pool, you are actually driving down a major highway with your windows up; indicating to me that you have air conditioning in your vehicle. Do us all a favor!

Linen Sets-I mean, really?!? WTH??? Who ever decided that it was okay for grown men to parade around like baby boys in matching short or pant sets? Stop the madness, por favor! I'm sorry, love, but you look like a pimp on vacation.

Saggy Booty Bottoms-Perhaps it is a man's goal to make it back into the womb. There is nothing masculine, sexy, or appealing about a man or a woman walking around showing your undies! I know everyone knows that this is a practice that originated in prisons with homosexual men. Hey! Now, if that's your thing...then you do you. BUT if it's not and you do not wish to be mistaken as a homosexual ex-con or an overgrown baby trying to steal away to his mother's womb...PULL YOUR PANTS UP!

Skater Boy Britches-Let's see, how do I say this and not hurt your feelings? I can't, sweetie, get some man pants! I remember when skate boarders used to wear loose fitting shorts and such. I understand that you need to be able to move freely and grab the end of the board, but it's really just awkward to see a guy in pants that fit so tightly. Perhaps the erectile dysfunction association should start putting a warning label on these jeans.

Socks and Sandals-Yeah. There isn't a whole lot for me to say about this, beyond...DON'T DO IT! I know it is the summer time, and the temperatures are rising. But are you really able to feel the cool breeze with those socks on? Oh, I see, it's the big hole in the toe that provides ventilation. Truthfully, this could all be avoided if you just removed them. You are embarrassed for people to see your feet. Get a pedicure...it is totally acceptable today. Most salons even have different pricing and options for men these days. What's more, is that there are places that serve men only. Nobody has to know. And I believe your wife would appreciate cuddling up to your now freshly pedicured toes. Oh, but don't call it a "pedi." :)

Macho Man? Dude you are at Chuck E. Cheese with your kids, why do I need to see all of that? Muscle shirts are appropriate for the GYM, ONLY! If your guns are that spectacular, then they can be seen in a regular shirt. Your nipples are staring a me and making me extremely uncomfortable. Gross.

Murses-Really? How much stuff do you have to carry with you? Because I do not understand the purpose of your man bag. Yes, it's genuine leather, in a neutral color, and it is slung across your body...but overall, it's still a purse. And men just shouldn't do that. If you have that much to carry you should do one of two things: 1.) get a briefcase, and 2.) downsize.

Stop the Violence!-Thank you "Cops" for creating a term for this masterful article of clothing. In my day, we called them undershirts or tank tops; but now they are etched in our heads as a symbol of domestic violence. That's great! But all in all, I'm not opposed to them. In fact, I think that it is important for a man to wear an undershirt. But that means that it should be worn under your shirt! Yes, I know that there are ladies rocking tanks and stilettos. But the cut is different, the fabric is different, and you are a man! Help us, help you!

The writing is on your hiney!-Now, this is largely an urban trend, and it is slowly fading to black. But for those of you who are still hanging on to them...Fat Albert never asked to have his likeness sprawled across your gluteus maximus! In fact, I'm of the opinion that he is probably offended. We know that designers want to advertise their brand, but I just don't think that a man's behind should be a walking billboard. (Side note: ladies, if you want the fellas to stop smacking your backside...the hand prints on it are slightly counterproductive.)

Mr. Matchey Matchey-I am happy to see men returning to suiting. I think it is important for all men to invest in a tailored well-made suit. Follow the rules: two or three buttons, neutral color, straight leg pant, neutral color, hits right before the sole of your shoe, neutral color...oh, and I almost forgot-neutral color! Red, purple, orange, and yellow are the colors of Skittles not men's suits! Yes, my late grandfather, would say that gentlemen wore hats; but never ones that suggested you were entering clown college! Why do your shoes look as though you've stepped in confetti? Oh dear! Here's a rule to live by when buying a suit...if your suit can only be paired with a white or black shirt then you should donate the material to a home economics class so that they can sew the costumes for the drama club's spring show!

What is that, Soot?-Dang it! Little Kelly dropped a bag of flour on your shoes just as you were about to walk out the door! No? Then you must have had to find Fido who had hidden down below the dirt path that leads to your house. Not that either? So, why are your shoes so sandy? A man's shoes say a lot about where he has been and where he is going...and being the consummate professional that you are, I know the message written in finger print across the top of your dusty shoes is not the one you intended. Clean up your act, darling! Get some shoe polish...STAT!

I know these tips were probably delivered in a mildly hostile tone, but you are a MAN'S MAN and I know that you can take it. If you are not going to do it for yourself, do it for your children. Smooches, sugar!

Stay Stylish,
Dean Tipper Diva